Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Lion, The Witch and My Wardrobe

So when Steph told me she wanted to buy the Jamison's commemorative cask of whiskey for her father, I was aghast. First, her father does not drink and 2, the cost per cask is a whopping $1,500. But then she said it was for house guests that he was to entertain...so I caved.
But when she told me that she looked online and the product was only available at the home of Isaac Newton, I was again dumbfounded.
(I say "online" instead of using "Internet" because I don't agree with the capitalization of the word internet. It's not that awesome. Okay it's pretty awesome, but big-letter-worthy awesome? Like calling Neo "The One" in The Matrix? I dunno.)

So I figured it was either the former home of Sir Isaac Newton (because he is long gone) or the home where some of his family currently lives. After further checking online, Pamela (Steph's sister, not sure why she got involved) found that some of his family lives in Glens Falls, New York - which is conveniently located near their dad's house. So, as Pamela is wont to do, she Googled the location of the home. And I, of course, built an airplane shaped like the little balsam wood ones with the small metal noses, to help find the house. But my plane was too heavy and lacked GPS, so there were frequent crashes. Needless to say, the plane ended up very close to a field of dozing lions. See lions sleep most of the day. And I figured I could sneak up to the plane and recover it without waking any of them. But I was wrong. One woke up and started to chase me. Of course I was already running, because this was a dream and I can do whatever I want.

All of a sudden, I was running down a hill at the end of the street where MY parents live. I'm not sure how I made it nearly 100 miles in a few seconds, but it did not matter, because so did the lion. I found a medium-sized tree with several long trunks that were close together. I figured that if the lion tried to climb it, the tree would not hold him and he would give up. But it was strong and flexible enough to hold me - even if he knocked it around a bit. And I could jump to the other close trunk if he did get lucky and knock the first one down. Plus, and of course, I had Samantha II with me, so once I got my balance I was going to call someone with a tranquilizer gun to come shoot the lion.

Then Steph woke me up. And I was very lucky, because I had fallen asleep on the couch and when I opened my eyes Sportscenter was on and I caught the top plays of the week. Did anyone see that run-back by Green Bay? There were so many tackles dodged. It was awesome. Again, I was very lucky.

------NO LONGER MY DREAM--------

So yesterday, I told Amelia that she is a princess and I asked her how many princesses she saw in the mirror. She said "one" referring to herself. Then Steph came into the room and I asked Amelia how many princesses there were now...She said "two." I said, "Well if you are a princess and she is your mommy, then she is..." and Amelia said "The queen." I said, "That's right, and that means that your sister Sloane is..." and in a deep and gritty voice Amelia said "The evil witch."
Ahh, sisterly love.

Lastly, and also yesterday, Mason asked me if I still wore my gay Vans sneakers. I told him "No" and that I was probably going to bring them back to the store to resell them again.

And that is my update on the lion, the witch and the wardrobe.
For once, 100% of what I have written is 100% true.
Well 99% anyway.